Three weeks into being on anti-depressants and the Universe seemed to present an alternative option to me literally on a platter. I was introduced to a guided healing plant ceremony run by a shaman. I have not experimented with shrooms before – but I believed in the sacred and natural powers of it. And I was desperate to try and clear this fog around my head (and heart).
To be honest, I was weary about attending the ceremony as I worried that my current frame of mind might adversely affected the experience. The shaman assured me it wouldn’t, and that the time was right to attend – and to me, I felt like I was being pulled towards this therapy in no uncertain terms.
On the onset, I felt anxious about attending on my own. I would at first have liked to have taken one of my trusted friends along, but there was no space for another individual – which in turn, turned out to be a good thing. From arrival, I felt in a space that was defined by love, acceptance and trust. Everyone attending the ceremony had their own intentions and much of what was shared resonated with myself. The process was explained in detail and a sense of safety was so strongly created that I had no anxiety going into this experience.
My journey was not quite what I was expecting. I was hoping for some “ah-ha” moment. I listened to those who saw their spirit guides and animals and longed for that experience. I was left feeling more confused the next day than relieved or at peace (which is what I was essentially seeking). I also entered the next morning with an excruciating headache. I had minor flashbacks to very short visions. I completed my journey with my eyes closed (in the fetal position) – I wanted to see into my mind – not strange things in the room around me.
Looking back now, 5 days after the ceremony, I think the antidepressants did stifle some of my experience. The headache lasted the full day, but disappeared entirely the following morning. And with the disappearance of the headache, came a clarity that my mind had not experienced in 6 months. It was like a fog had lifted and I finally felt I was able to connect again with my soul. I understood that this sense of positivity might last a week – but I felt like it had broken a cycle, and that I could stop the antidepressants and try and focus rather on something more natural. I also came to understand that by taking the antidepressants I was prolonging my depression. Something deep inside was making me overwhelmingly sad, and by blocking the feelings, it will not go away. I am going to attend another ceremony soon, without the chemicals of antidepressants in my system. I am hoping I will have the experience then that my soul is seeking. Clarity. Connection. A sense of peace. Self love.